A year and a half. Eighteen months. Five hundred fifty days. Thirteen thousand two hundred hours. Seven hundred ninety two thousand minutes. If you ever wonder what it is like to have lost a child, look at those numbers. And then imagine every single one of those moments--every second--filled with the void of a missing … Continue reading Eighteen Months.
I used to love New Years. Reflecting on the past year. Setting ambitious goals for the new year. Turning over to a fresh start on a new calendar. It all felt so empowering. It was exciting. Infinite potential. Blank canvases. Opportunity. But all of that is different now. Like so much else in my life, … Continue reading Hopes and Fears of all the Years.
It's been two months since the last time I wrote. My thirty third birthday, Thanksgiving, and the start of the holiday season--our second without Alexander--have all made their appearances. December is here again. The ninth of the month is here again. Seventeen months. I remember a friend saying to me soon after losing Alexander that … Continue reading Seventeen Months.
I have thought about him since the moment I woke up this morning. October 9. Fifteen months since we held him. One year since we held his memorial service. Today is Alexander's day. Oh, that sweet boy. A dear friend reminded me tonight of something I said at some point this year: "I thought I … Continue reading Fifteen Months.
Last summer, after we came home from the hospital without our son in our arms, the song The Eye of the Storm by Ryan Stevenson was playing just about non-stop on Christian radio stations. Every time I heard that song, I would break down in tears. Alexander would be fourteen months old today. This morning, … Continue reading Fourteen Months.
As I got ready for bed last night, I was overcome by overwhelming feelings. Deep sadness. Profound gratitude. Unfathomable unknowing. Fear. Frustration. Anger. Love. What in the world? And then, I picked up my phone to set an alarm for this morning and I saw it. It was just after midnight, and it was right … Continue reading Thirteen Months.
This day should be so different. Every day should be so different. Today is Alexander's first birthday. Today it has been one year since we last saw and held our sweet boy. One year since we marveled at his long fingers and big feet. One year since we whispered over and over again: "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm … Continue reading Today Alexander Is One.