Double Rainbows.

We’re pregnant.*

It feels like this sort of announcement deserves an asterisk. So, if you’ve found your way here from facebook or instagram or elsewhere, here goes nothing:

It is with cautious optimism, much fear, and a healthy dose of hope, that Scott and I announced this morning that we are expecting our “rainbow” babies (Yes, babies. You read that right!), Alexander’s twin siblings, sometime in December.

While Scott and I are still feeling out the whole “rainbow” thing, it’s common for those in the loss community to cling to the beautiful imagery of a rainbow when journeying through a pregnancy after loss.

“It is understood that the beauty of a rainbow does not negate the ravages of the storm. When a rainbow appears, it doesn’t mean the storm never happened or that those affected are not still dealing with its aftermath. What it means is that something beautiful and full of light has appeared in the midst of the darkness and clouds. Storm clouds may still hover, but the rainbow provides a counterbalance of color, energy and hope.”

While we are still wrapping our heads around the opportunity to hopefully parent these sweet babies here on earth, we are still very much grieving the loss of our sweet Alexander, especially as his second birthday approaches in just 19 days.

A few things we hope you’ll come to understand as we journey through the coming months hoping and praying for the safe arrival of these sweet babies:

We are excited and hopeful. The news of this pregnancy has brought so much joy and hope into our lives. We are grateful for this excitement, light, and hope in our lives.

We are scared out of our minds. Sharing this news feels risky. We know as well as anyone that there is no “safe zone” in any pregnancy, and that tragedy can strike with zero warning signs whatsoever. Please be gentle with us and understand that our excitement and hopefulness is tempered with a great deal of fear and anxiety. And that will be the case until the day these babies arrive safe and alive.

We are in good hands. You already know how we feel about our doctors and nurses, and those feelings have not changed. From my very first appointment we were assured that we would be monitored extra closely as I was considered “high risk” after Alexander’s stillbirth. Then, once we found out there was not just one but two babies in there, that additional care ramped up even more. We have already had several doctor’s appointments, both with my regular OB practice as well as the high risk practice that is co-managing my care. I trust these people, and am thankful for their diligence and care.

Ultrasounds are hard. One aspect of the additional care we are receiving this time around is that we will be having pretty regular ultrasounds to track the twins’ growth and to keep checking on them. Because it was an ultrasound that confirmed that Alexander’s heart was no longer beating, every single ultrasound tends to bring back those feelings of uncertainty and grief. The first ultrasound at which we found we are having twins was done in the exact same room as the ultrasound at which we found out Alexander’s heart wasn’t beating. Talk about mixed emotions.

We miss our Alexander so so much. I have wondered a lot over these past few weeks how Alexander would be reacting to becoming a big brother – and not just a big brother to one, but to twins! I wish I could see the joy and excitement on his face. As his second birthday is fast approaching there are so many complex emotions and feelings in my head and heart at any single moment. I just miss that boy so much.

So, yes, we’re pregnant. (With twins!) Yes, it’s exciting. Yes, it’s absolutely terrifying. Yes, we have doubts. Yes, we have anxiety. And, yes, we have hope.

Please join us in hoping and praying for the safe arrival of Alexander’s twin siblings. We will need others throughout this journey to believe and know that these babies will live, especially during times that are more challenging for us, as fears and anxieties creep in. Thank you so much for your continued love and support – for remembering Alexander with us, and for journeying with us as we walk this complicated road of pregnancy after loss.