Alexander, my sweet boy:

You, my son, are the one.

From the moment I saw those two lines on the pregnancy test, I couldn’t wait to meet you. You were so wanted. You were prayed for. You made me a mother. You changed me and you changed my world.

I love the memories I have of laying on the couch in the evening and feeling you squirm and move. I love the way Hiro would snuggle up against you next to me on the couch or in bed at night, resting his head and feeling you kicking him in the face. I remember wondering so many things during those afternoons and evenings. Things about who you would become. I remember wondering if you would be passionate and competitive like your mama or steadfast and opinionated like your daddy. There are so many things that I wondered and dream about that I will never know.

Last year on Mother’s Day, I was glowing. I was excited.For the first time in my life, people were wishing me a happy Mother’s Day. I was feeling you move and wiggle and squirm. I was dreaming of all the Mother’s Days to come. The ones where I would finally have you here in my arms, squirming and wiggling.

Instead, it has been two hundred and ninety nine days since I saw you, held you, and kissed you goodbye. That day, from the moment you were born silently into this world, is seared into my mind. Every moment. Every breath that I took, wishing I could give it to you. Every second that I held you and looked at your sweet, perfect, tiny face. Every “I love you” and “I’m sorry” that I whispered into your ear. I replay those moments over and over in my head. Those moments will never ever be enough.

Being your mama looks so much different than it was supposed to. Not a day goes by that I don’t think about you and wonder what you would be like, and what life would be like. My heart aches. My whole being longs for you to be here with us.

You, my son, have taught me more than you can ever imagine. You have taught me of love that is bigger than any I could have ever imagined. You have taught me vulnerability and patience. You have instilled in me the value of the things and people that matter most in this world. You have taught me the love of a mother’s heart.

This Mother’s Day, like every day, should be so different.

This Mother’s Day, like every day, I am missing you so much more than you can imagine.

This Mother’s Day, like every day, I am so incredibly proud to be your mama.

Alexander, my sweet boy.

You are loved.

You are loved.

You are loved.

Advertisements

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s