How is it possible that it has been five months?

Five months since our sweet Alexander was born into the arms of Jesus. Five months since we held him in our arms. Five months since the day our hearts grew with more love than we knew possible and then shattered into a million pieces.

Five months.

It feels like yesterday, and it feels like another lifetime ago.

There’s a part of me that, when the 9th of the month rolls around, wants to relive every single moment of that day. I want to remember every minute detail of the moments and hours we got to spend with Alexander. I want to remember the pride in his daddy’s eyes as he turned to me and after seeing him for the first time and said to me, “He’s perfect. We make cute babies.” I want to remember the love I saw as his daddy held him and whispered over and over and over again how much he loves him and how sorry he is that things aren’t different. I want to remember the sacred moments as Pastor JS came into our tiny hospital room to perform the naming ritual and commend Alexander into the arms of Jesus. I want to remember introducing Alexander to his grandparents and to Aunt Kristen and Uncle Rob. I want to remember the weight of him in my arms as I held him and tried to memorize everything about him. I want to remember the love and pride I felt in my own heart looking at my sweet perfect boy. I want to remember the amazement I felt at the length of his fingers and the size of his feet. I want to remember the care that the photographer and nurses took as they held and cared for and talked to our sweet boy so tenderly throughout the day. I want to remember the impossible feeling of saying goodbye to our only son after only six short hours. I want to remember every single detail.

As the months go by, some of those details are starting to get foggy in my mind. Maybe it’s a sort of protection. Maybe it’s healing. Maybe it’s just what time does. Details are foggy and yet so very vivid.

How is it possible that it has been five months?

How is it that while we should be joyfully and excitedly preparing for our sweet son’s first Christmas and seeing just a little bit of childlike wonder in his eyes at the sights, sounds, and smells of the season, we are instead doing everything we are able to just ignore the holidays because it just hurts so much that he’s not here?

How is it that I am able to wake up every day and continue on with life in some sort of “normal” manner?

How is it that I am able to laugh so hard and yet that laughter is juxtaposed so starkly against a deep sadness that has settled deep into my bones?

Five months.

More than anything else today, I want to honor my sweet boy. I want to honor him by speaking his name. I want to honor him by remembering all that he has taught me about love and community and grace and strength. I want to remember Alexander with hope and with love and with light, and I hope you will join me today on his five month anniversary in heaven with Jesus. Join me today in taking some time to think about Alexander. We will certainly be thinking about him. Say his name. Light a candle or watch the sunset. Do something kind for a friend. Or a stranger. Enjoy the precious moments you have with your heart beating and your lungs filling with air.

Alexander Scott Haligowski, my sweet boy. You are loved. You are loved. You are loved.

So much more than you know.

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