How is it that two months have passed? Two months since we held our baby Alexander in our arms. Two months since we said hello and goodbye, and tried so hard to squeeze a lifetime’s worth of “I love you”s into six short hours. 

It wasn’t enough. There is no way that six hours could have been enough. It will never be enough. 

Today should be different. I can’t even fathom how much our tiny, perfect baby boy would have grown in just these two short months. What would he be like? Would he be squirming while we tried to get some adorable two month pictures to share with our friends on social media? 

Instead of all of these could’ve beens and should’ve beens, we have what is: heading out of town on a vacation we never should have been taking but that we need so desperately, choosing songs and scriptures and making plans for our baby’s memorial service, and trying to figure out which way is up after having our whole world turned upside down. 

The past two months have been the longest and the shortest of my entire life. The life we lived before Alexander–a life without grief, and without this incomprehensible love–feels like it was an eternity ago. And yet, time has passed in the blink of an eye. 

Today, our son Alexander is spending his two month anniversary in heaven with Jesus. I wish it was different. I wish he was here in my arms. 

Instead, we are here and he is there. So, we’ll take some time today to think about Alexander, to talk about him, and to pray. There will be some tears, and there is still a heaviness about the day. But our grief is only a sign of the deepest love:


We hope beyond all hope that Alexander’s life will continue to make a difference. That he matters. That he will continue to teach us about love and friendship and community and burden bearing. Find some peace with us in knowing that our two month old baby boy is safe in the arms of Jesus and that we are all one month closer to the next time we get to see him.

So, take some time to think about Alexander today. We will certainly be thinking about him. Say his name. Light a candle or watch the sunset. Do something kind for a friend. Or a stranger. Enjoy the precious moments you have with your heart beating and your lungs filling with air. 

Advertisements

6 thoughts on “Two Months.

  1. I hope your two month was gentle on you. I wish I could offer more words of hope for the upcoming months. We are coming on month six and it hurts everyday. You say it’s the longest and shortest two months ever, I still find myself saying that now. I’m so sorry we’re on this journey together, but you and I are not alone. If you ever need anything just let me know. Sending you so much love ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  2. My tears are rolling. I was given the link to your blog by a mutual friend. I, too, went in for a routine check on May 3rd only to find out my sweet Liliana had already met our savior. I can’t imagine the pain of your loss. This is my third loss, but I’m of the mind that the further along it is, the harder it hurts. I was 17 weeks. I have two boys, she was the baby girl I had prayed so hard for. I felt her kicks and flutters. We had seen her face on a 3D ultrasound and heard her heartbeat. We bought little dresses and skirts. I had been miserably ill all 17 weeks. I had just ordered all of her bedding and room decor. I’m not saying the other two early losses didn’t hurt. But it was different. I imagine yours being different as well. But I know that feeling of the rug being pulled out from benieth your feet. I know the feeling of so many unanswered questions. The days of uncontrollable sobbing. So I know I can’t know how you feel, but I know that it hurts. I’m so glad that you are hanging on to your faith. I can’t even imagine where I’d be right now without God. And I know he’s there despite my anger, and regardless of how much I yelled at him. He stands by us through this all. God bless you and know that I’m over here waving in the darkness and praying for you and your husband.

    Like

    1. Dena, I’m so sorry about your losses. Yes, it is truly in clinging to our faith and through the support of our community of faith that we are walking this road. We will lift you and your husband in our prayers as well. You are not alone.

      Like

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s