I wrote last week about how weird my life has become, and how at the same time nothing seems weird. Weird is normal. Normal is weird.
This is my life.
Like I said last week:
It seems like my life has become a series of weird things, and I’m beginning to think that all this “weird” is actually the new “normal” of my life. Because, like my friend said, “there is no more weird after experiencing this devastating tragedy.”
So, here’s another installment of things in my life that now feel totally weird and strangely normal:
I used to be a productivity junkie. Like, in the
slightly obsessed with getting things done as efficiently as possible sort of way. I wrote blog posts about it, and even claimed it proudly in the about page linked above. I earned myself the nickname of Evernote Erin among my youth ministry colleagues, set timers for myself to get things done more quickly and efficiently, and became obsessive about maintaining “inbox zero.” (Okay, maybe my life was already a little weird before all this… but I digress.) These days, it feels like I’ve given up on efficiency and shifted my focus to just accomplishing things–accomplishing anything feels momentous. There are days where I struggle to focus on anything. My mind wanders. I can’t remember things as easily. Everything is just a little bit foggier than it used to be. I hope and pray that people will continue to be patient with me. It’s so weird, but strangely normal.
Because I work in a church, and because we actually care about each other beyond just working together, we begin every one of our staff meetings by sharing our highs and lows for the week. (Dr. Rich Melheim would be proud.) This used to be one of my favorite parts of staff meetings. Now, it’s the part that I kind of dread – mostly because everything is both my highest high and my lowest low. Nothing feels quite right since losing Alexander. Last week, I shared that my high was actually cooking dinner. I’m pretty sure my low was everything else. This week, I barely got out that the whole weekend was pretty much my high and low before I had to stop talking. (Turns out that whole spontaneous crying thing is still a part of life. I’m guessing that’ll be around for awhile.) It’s weird, but strangely normal.
Most days, it feels like I’m just watching life happen around me. Like my life is some sort of weird, strange, sad movie. Things keep happening. Life continues. The world keeps spinning madly on. I’m taking forward steps, but many days they just don’t feel normal. Everything in my world (not just my productivity) moves at a slower pace these days. It all feels weird, but strangely normal.
Scott and I are getting ready to go on vacation for our anniversary–a vacation that wasn’t supposed to happen, because we were supposed to be staying home with our baby boy. We’re both looking forward to some time away–time away that is much needed as we try to sort out and understand this weird new life–but it has kind of a bittersweet feeling to it. On top of what already feels like a weird vacation, we’re still tossing around the idea of making a totally out of the way stop to visit some
strangers friends on the way home. It all feels weird, but strangely normal.
No parent should ever–ever–have to plan a memorial service or funeral for their child. It’s not part of the natural order of things. It doesn’t feel right at all. And yet, here we are. Picking dates. Meeting with pastors. Shopping for an infant urn so that Alexander can have something a little nicer than the white plastic box that he came home in. Making plans for a memorial that we hope will be more celebratory and hopeful than somber. This is one of those things that doesn’t feel normal at all. It’s just weird.