It’s not okay.

It’s not okay that my beautiful son Alexander isn’t here in my arms.

It’s not okay that we had to hear those words that forever split our lives and our hearts in two: “I’m sorry, but there is no heartbeat.”

It’s not okay that I can no longer remember events in days, weeks, or months. I simply remember things as before and after.

It’s not okay that I will miss out on every little bit of parenting Alexander on this side of heaven – birthdays, knee scrapes, tooth fairy visits, halloween costumes, holidays, graduations…

It’s not okay that some days I just can’t function because I am living in a fog of questions and grief.

It’s not okay that some babies just don’t make it.

It’s not okay that 26,000 babies are stillborn every year in the United States – that 1 in 160 pregnancies end in stillbirth instead of live birth. 71 babies every day.

It’s not okay that instead of snuggling with my precious baby boy tonight I am sitting here in the front room of our house looking at a few photos while his ashes sit on our piano surrounded by cards filled with sympathy instead of congratulations.

It’s not okay that I now carry this immense grief, anxiety and fear.

It’s not okay that the future we had planned for and hoped for will forever be colored by this grief.

It’s not okay that more people are living this same reality every single day. That I get messages from friends saying that they know someone else who lost a baby.

It’s just not okay.

It won’t ever be okay.

This situation will never be okay.

… but I will be okay. We will be okay.

I will be okay because I have had and continue to have people who will just sit with me in my grief.

I will be okay because there is literally an army of people walking this road with us.

I will be okay because of the incredibly compassionate care I have received from doctors and nurses.

I will be okay because I have safe people with whom I can be incredibly vulnerable.

I will be okay because I want to honor Alexander Scott with life that he will never get to experience.

I will be okay because I trust in a God who is good even in the midst of the darkest circumstances.

I will be okay because on some days I still find laughter, bits of “normal,” and things to look forward to.

I will be okay because I am not alone.

It’s not okay. But I will be okay. We will be okay.

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6 thoughts on “It’s not okay.

  1. No it’s not okay. My little boy Brayden Michael was stillborn two days ago and my heart is completely destroyed. These words were in my heart but I have been unable to express them. Thank you. Knowing that one day I’ll be okay again is my hope.

    Liked by 1 person

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