Today was a milestone.

Well, let me rephrase that. Today I did something that I have always done and always taken for granted–something that “normal” people do every day. Something simple. But to me, today, it felt monumental.

Today I left my house alone.

I got out of bed. I got dressed and brushed my teeth and hair. I went downstairs and tried to have a cup of coffee. (I say tried because I didn’t realize the coffee maker was still brewing when I dispensed my coffee, so what ended up in my cup was more like bitter sludge than actual coffee, and then I had such a bad taste in my mouth that I wasn’t going to try for another cup out of the pot.) Then, I put on my flip flops, grabbed my keys and backpack, and walked out the door.

I got in my car, alone, and started driving to work.

It only took me until I got to the corner of our street to realize how this morning was so “normal” and at the same time it felt so weird.

Since July 5, I had not gone anywhere by myself. Since I hadn’t been cleared to drive until my six week follow-up appointment yesterday, someone had to take me everywhere. Even yesterday, when I went into the office, Scott went with me.

Today, that changed. And while leaving home alone might seem like something super trivial to most people, for me today it was a big huge deal.

This is my life since losing Alexander. This is the reality that I live in. It is a reality in which every little thing is colored by grief. It is a reality in which doing something as simple as leaving the safety and comfort of my house alone is a monumental milestone.

It feels weird to celebrate normal things, but as I turned the corner off my street, I felt like this milestone deserved celebrating. So, celebrate I did–in the most normal way I could imagine. I stopped by Dunkin Donuts on my way to work for a medium coffee with cream and splenda.

Because sometimes living in this new normal deserves a little taste of my old normal.

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4 thoughts on “Alone and Not Alone.

  1. It is interesting your coffee cup has the word Commitment on it. This describes you and your journey through this “normal.” Your commitment to honoring Alexander, your commitment to Scott and your marriage, your commitment to the kids and church you serve, your commitment to taking one second at a time, and your commitment to our Lord. We continue to pray for you, hurt for you, and praise God for you sharing your grief and life story with us. God Bless you dear Erin.

    Liked by 1 person

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