Today is the day: the day we have been looking forward to all year.
When we first found out that Alexander’s due date was August 11, we were so excited. There is already so much joy tied to this day in our circle of family and friends between wedding anniversaries and birthdays. We wondered if our boy would add to that joy, and we didn’t even care that only 5 percent of babies are actually born on their due dates. Because this year, August 11 was going to be our day. (Never mind the fact that we didn’t think much of any statistics until last month, but that’s a story for another post on another day.)
Instead of joyful anticipation, this morning Scott and I woke up with a heaviness in our hearts. This isn’t how we envisioned August 11. Instead of anxiously packing a hospital bag, checking the carseat, and making arrangements for Hiro to be taken care of, we are facing a day that is, for the most part, ordinary.
Well, about as ordinary as life is these days.
I’ve spent the morning sipping on coffee and playing some candy crush, hanging out in the front room with Alexander’s photos and sympathy cards, and leafing through the very sadly titled book Empty Cradle, Broken Heart that came in the mail yesterday as I try to make some sense of what today is over what we had hoped it would be.
Who knows what the rest of the day will look like. For now, I’m focusing on one minute and one breath at a time, because it certainly doesn’t look like the August 11 that we anticipated all year.