Today should be different. And, honestly, there are plenty of ways it could be different that would be better than how it actually is…

We could be dressing Alexander up in an adorable outfit and taking goofy pictures of him next to the oversized stuffed Sully with a “one month” sticker so that we could see how much he’s grown. Surely we would be obnoxiously posting adorable photos all over facebook, instagram and twitter, because that’s what you do when you’re so in love with a tiny human.

We could even be anxiously awaiting Alexander’s arrival with his due date just a couple of days away, putting the final touches on his perfect nursery, packing the last few things in the hospital bag, and getting ready for the adventure of parenthood that we have so been looking forward to.

There are plenty of could be’s and should be’s that have gone through my head and heart today. But all those could’ve beens and should’ve beens won’t change the reality of today.

Today, our son Alexander is celebrating his one month anniversary in heaven with Jesus. One month ago, we held him–precious and perfect, still and silent. And then, we gave him back to Jesus in some of the most difficult moments of our lives.

So today, instead of what could’ve been or should’ve been, I’ve tried really hard to just be in the reality of what is. I’ve spent time sitting in our front room, which has sort of become Alexander’s place right now, full of pictures, mementos, sympathy cards, beautiful plants, and Alexander’s ashes. It’s where I come to spend time with my boy, to write, and to reflect.

And, while there are a lot of reasons to be so so sad today, missing that precious baby boy and all the could’ve beens and should’ve beens, I’m trying really hard to find a little bit of happy. Because precious Alexander is in the place where we all hope to be, celebrating and being celebrated in the arms of Jesus. And while I would give anything to have him celebrating and being celebrated here in my arms, today I will try to find some peace.

If you’ve got a few minutes tonight, light a candle for Alexander Scott. Find some peace with me in knowing that this little boy is safe in the arms of Jesus and that we are all one month closer to the next time we get to see him.

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9 thoughts on “One Month.

  1. I will light a candle tonight and pray for Alexander and his Mother and Father that they can find some peace in this very sad time for us all. Always in my heart – Number 1 Great Grandson – Alexander Scott Haligowski.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. We will light a candle for Baby Alexander, Scott, and you. We continue our prayers for you. There are no words in the human language sufficient enough to provide comfort and peace, only our Lord can do this, and we pray you feel the love and prayers of all who care about you.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Dear Erin,

    Randy and I have lit a candle and have dedicated this white candle to Alexander Scott. As someone told me, once you are in my prayers, there you will remain. Please know I am praying for you and Scott. May God hold you and Scott in the palm of his hands and cradle you in a way only Christ can. Care so deeply for you. I am so sorry. Thank you for sharing the light of your faith Erin. Love, Michelle

    Liked by 1 person

  4. I light a candle for my sweet “Birthday Angel”, Alexander Scott, whose light shines brightly in my heart, and who will always be with me. ❤️👼🏽 I wrap his dear parents in my most loving thoughts and prayers.

    Liked by 1 person

  5. I lit a white candle in a dove holder, and I pray for the Lord to give his mom and dad, and all of the hurting, some comfort and peace as only He can do.

    Liked by 1 person

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