Today should be different. And, honestly, there are plenty of ways it could be different that would be better than how it actually is…
We could be dressing Alexander up in an adorable outfit and taking goofy pictures of him next to the oversized stuffed Sully with a “one month” sticker so that we could see how much he’s grown. Surely we would be obnoxiously posting adorable photos all over facebook, instagram and twitter, because that’s what you do when you’re so in love with a tiny human.
We could even be anxiously awaiting Alexander’s arrival with his due date just a couple of days away, putting the final touches on his perfect nursery, packing the last few things in the hospital bag, and getting ready for the adventure of parenthood that we have so been looking forward to.
There are plenty of could be’s and should be’s that have gone through my head and heart today. But all those could’ve beens and should’ve beens won’t change the reality of today.
Today, our son Alexander is celebrating his one month anniversary in heaven with Jesus. One month ago, we held him–precious and perfect, still and silent. And then, we gave him back to Jesus in some of the most difficult moments of our lives.
So today, instead of what could’ve been or should’ve been, I’ve tried really hard to just be in the reality of what is. I’ve spent time sitting in our front room, which has sort of become Alexander’s place right now, full of pictures, mementos, sympathy cards, beautiful plants, and Alexander’s ashes. It’s where I come to spend time with my boy, to write, and to reflect.
And, while there are a lot of reasons to be so so sad today, missing that precious baby boy and all the could’ve beens and should’ve beens, I’m trying really hard to find a little bit of happy. Because precious Alexander is in the place where we all hope to be, celebrating and being celebrated in the arms of Jesus. And while I would give anything to have him celebrating and being celebrated here in my arms, today I will try to find some peace.
If you’ve got a few minutes tonight, light a candle for Alexander Scott. Find some peace with me in knowing that this little boy is safe in the arms of Jesus and that we are all one month closer to the next time we get to see him.