There will never be a “right” time to start writing about a situation that is so much the opposite of “right.” There will never be a time when sharing this deep aching in my heart will feel “right,” because this is absolutely not how life was supposed to be.

And, yet, here we are. Well, here I am.

I’ve always been a writer–inconsistent at both blogging and journaling–but a writer nonetheless. And I’ve known for the past month that writing would be an important part of my healing journey. So, today seems like as good a day as any…

Serving in ministry, we knew from the moment this started that we would eventually have to share our heartbreak with the many people in our faith community who we love (and who love us) and who had been so anticipating these life changes with us. But, in the midst of the most heartbreaking week of our lives, we had no idea how on earth we would ever do that. Thankfully, our pastors were able to gracefully do that:

“It’s with torn hearts and many tears that we bring you some very sad news. Earlier this week Erin and Scott Haligowski were told that their unborn child had no heartbeat, and would be delivered stillborn. Erin will soon deliver their son into a world that had been happily anticipating him, but for reasons that couldn’t be avoided and that doctors don’t understand, he is not alive.

We mourn with Erin and Scott together as their sisters and brothers in Christ. We trust that Baby Haligowski now lies in the promise God gives to all God’s children, life eternal in God’s Kingdom. It’s not fair that such things happen, and it’s very normal to have tough questions and few answers. We don’t want to hear that we, along with Erin and Scott, will not be able to know this child, but we know that God has known him while he was in the womb, and will keep, protect, and love him until we all are one together in God’s future Kingdom.” (You can read the rest of the e-mail here.)

The past month has been the longest and shortest of our entire lives. We have been through the darkest days of our lives. We have been carried on the prayers of others and the support of some friends who we wouldn’t trade for the world. I plan to share more about Alexander and his story in the days, weeks, months, and years to come, but for now, here’s the short version of how one month ago, our lives were forever changed and our hearts forever broken:

On the morning of Tuesday, July 5, I called the doctor concerned because I hadn’t been feeling as much movement as had become normal in my pregnancy. They had us come in for an appointment, and after a non-stress test (NST), doppler, and ultrasound, we were told that our precious baby boy no longer had a heartbeat, and that we would need to head to the hospital later in the afternoon for delivery. We went home, called and texted family and friends, packed an overnight bag, and headed to the hospital to deliver our sweet boy who would no longer be with us. After four days, multiple rounds of drugs and attempts to induce labor with no success, we ended up delivering Alexander Scott Haligowski into the arms of Jesus at 7:36am on Saturday, July 9 by a scheduled c-section. Everything about him was perfect. 5 lbs 13 oz and 20 inches long. We learned during the delivery that his death was the result of an umbilical cord accident–two true knots in his cord that had tightened together and cut off his flow of oxygen and nutrients to stay alive. We spent time on Saturday saying “hello” and “goodbye” to our precious boy, holding him tight, telling him how much we love him, introducing him to his grandparents and Aunt Kristen & Uncle Rob, and memorizing everything about him that we could before giving him back into the arms of Jesus.

We love Alexander so so much. We miss him every moment of every day. Life has been incredibly difficult in the past month, and we are slowly and gently learning to live in a new normal that is not at all how we imagined our life.

Tomorrow, he’ll be celebrating his one month anniversary in heaven with Jesus. But, oh, how I wish more than anything that he was here.

6 thoughts on “Alexander Scott

  1. I’ve heard this story a few times over the past month, and I still have streams of tears down my face every single time. We love you all so much, and continue to pray for you. We are here for you, anything you may need.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. Erin, so hard to read about this, but I know must’ve been even harder to write. But I agree. I believe your writing will be one thing that helps in your healing process. I pray that God Our Healer meets you in powerful ways as you bring pen to paper and fingers to keyboards. May you find peace amidst the difficult questions of life. Jesus Christ walks beside you.
    Peace, Jody

    Liked by 1 person

  3. I’ve written and deleted a bunch of comments. Just know we love you guys and we miss Alexander every day. I’m glad I got to come see you guys this weekend. If you ever need me, you know where to find me. Right here. ❤

    Liked by 1 person

  4. Peace to you and your family, Erin. Thank you for your bravery in writing publically about Alexander. When I miscarried the second of three times over 30 years ago, I was stunned when multiple women told me quietly that they had also lost babies. I had thought I was alone. I still don’t understand why women were so private about their pain; we took away our chance to lift each other up while we isolated ourselves. I still think about my absent little ones, even as I celebrate my wonderful, very much alive children…

    Blessings on you and Scott.

    Sheryl Melvin

    Liked by 1 person

  5. Erin, we have never met, but we share a mutual friend in Casey Backus. She shared this blog with me today. 2 years ago on July 3rd I went to my doctor’s office for a routine ultrasound and was told that my baby boy, Silas Alexander, no longer had a heart beat. We were 34 weeks pregnant. The next day, on July 4th, our little firecracker was born sleeping. What followed was the most difficult year of our lives. We survived by clinging to each other and, once our anger had lessened, our faith in God. Alexander will always hold a special place in your heart. I will pray for you and your family.

    Liked by 1 person

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